You know, first thing as a mother and a house wife I noticed is that my morning rhythm is totally out of tune! I am used to be up early in the morning to prepare breakfasts, coffee and spend time with family general chit chat, morning confusion and last minute instructions flying around. Now I stare at a constant hum of air-conditioning!!! The feeling is so raw and primal it chocks the life out of you … I have at my disposal three solid hours – One Hundred and Eighty minutes stretched ahead of me … what kids are doing now ? Has frothy piping filter coffee made its way to Ravi? Did Swathi had her breakfast, is she getting ready for college? Did some wake … Amit up? .. That guy just loves to sleep … Every second of the second I was transported to my home … the precious people I love and their morning rhythms that I am so tuned in to.
Those One Hundred and Eighty minutes seemed like forever … A restless prowl yields no comfort. A helplessness, restless, agitation and finally the moment of truth…a feeling of being lost and being amputed from your life line. As a working – housewife; my mornings are pretty much as sacred as performing morning prayers as we call puja.
The first cup of coffee to Ravi is!! My first cup of tea of late is from Swathi ..
“Amma …” more than her voice I smell tea .. that is my alarm … now that she is taking responsibilities waking me with a glass yes a glass of tea is something she has taken upon herself. Those few moments for both of us are very precious and …
“Amma … What you miss most tomorrow …” her soft voice wobbles, unshed tears queering chin and brave tilt of her head and trying to smile as her long hair is let loose past her shoulders … is a sight that is lodged into my mind forever..
“This baby ... my first cup of tea with you … before my world wakes up’ and I smile as if not noticing her turmoil. She quickly collects herself and flashes sunshine just as morning rays are warming us. For next three hundred and odd days .. this will be etched in my mind .. may be forever I guess. A kid who is growing up .. and fast.
“Swathi … Nani and Tata …”,
“Ma…You just do not worry about anything and anyone here … I will take care ... especially dad and thammudu ..” She always called Amit thammudu –brother. This is the bond that flourishes between us … it is so reassuring.
This time is also for them now I realize when they will understand how much time, effort and nurturing goes into a relationship. People are complex…and my family is no less… It is easy to give up and take the option of flight … It was and never is an option for me … the struggle to hold relationships in spite of good intentions is all consuming. It is a rollercoaster road of relationships. I am sure there are not many takers for this ride!
“I know you will baby … remember I am always there for you .. you can always call..’ I let my voice trail I cannot bring myself to look at her … I watch with great interest the painting of the warm morning sunrays on the pale blue sky..
She gets up in one fluid movement, tall lanky girl all over me as she hugs and offers comfort. She is a pretty girl not beautiful but pretty and her best asset is her eyes. They are truly beautiful – I read her through her eyes. She will grow up into a beautiful woman one day .. her heart as strong as her eyes … I am sure…
I finish my tea in hurry; I know Ravi is up and about … so I prepare the coffees for him and my son Amit… today is the day he woke up before I could wake him up! It is not like any other day … as the memories wash over me I recollect Amit who is 6 ft. thin and a big child. I guess I could say I have two kids Amit and Ravi!!! I am sure neither likes it!!! But facts are facts you see. They are so similar that they never ever acknowledge it and look for differences that never were there.
In the far corners of my mind and thoughts I knew that by the end of these three hundred and sixty five days the world I left behind would sure have changed. Nothing will be same again. Me nor Swathi, Amit or Ravi. This is the reality of future. The reality now of me: as I raised myself to full height of five feet is the challenge of finding myself. What makes me smile now? What makes me laugh? Will I be same again? Or do I want to be?
One thing for sure; I would never family or otherwise be little me. I will never let myself be lost in the realms of mind to be a perfect: wife, daughter – in – law, a mother or a daughter. I had my share of…. sure … I think I will be perfect me – whatever that I am going to unwrap of me.
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