A Different Corner

Once the plane touches down your thoughts also get grounded. I was in a pleasant state of anticipation and excitement bordering on apprehension for sure... after a smooth immigration and pickup arrangement by the employer. Joining formalities done what struck me is the friendly and helpful staff. I could not reach my family after I landed as it was late at night. My colleagues received calls and assured them of my wellbeing. I was connected to my family before the formalities started. That felt so relieved.

The strong August heat was at its peak. The staggering heat momentarily throws you off balance. So also basic things that you have taken for granted right from switching on and off lights, to opening doors to steering wheel, all so different, an indication of adventure and new life experience. 

Rarely life offers you an opportunity to completely unlearn and learn, to be a different one to what you are now: This was that moment. Once you are in the deep end of the pool you either swim or sink. Yes... swim we will ... against the current or with the current. As in when you swim the concentration will be to reach the other end - painstakingly we start and move gaining strength as we go. This is true of expat I can safely say now having experienced. (However, small as a new Expat). Looking back I realized I was prepared for this moment by life and GOD. I have learnt to develop a thick skin ... take heaps of sweet with loads of bitter moments ... This has made me to view various aspects and situations in life in an objective manner. Has made to develop an insulation not to react - especially not to over react. Having surrounded by very dear ones whose EGOs has completely negated any quality of life; I was ever so thankful not to be part to that aspect of my life so far. The reason I mention is .. I remember a close family member of mine mention "hypocrite" time and again and that taught me years ago to be true to self, true to family and true to society. Thanks to that person....today I am accepting and being accepted for what I am. In today's life of networking and social media playing a major role - it is an easy vice one can fall prey to. Our life of inside four walls is now open in the vast space. 

I am a very private person by nature and respect my time and space. With family thousands of miles away I thought I had lots of time and space. As it happens with law of nature when you start something new you are faced with toughest and most unexpected circumstances. So were we. As a family we braved it. Thanks to Gates and Jobs of the world .... the distances are not so distant. The time and space negated. We are connected every step of the way. The support from my better half is unbelievable! My kids... little darlings are not so little anymore... In a matter of few weeks and months they have shouldered responsibilities, learned to be patient and learned to give. The biggest lesson of all is to GIVE than take. That they learned – we four did in fact. It will be with me till the very end… as it had been from the very beginning. 

Life is a project of experiences and I am reminded of George Michael’s song - "A Different Corner". In this beautiful song there are these lovely lines that I can never ever forget –“Take me back in time I wish that I could forget. Turn a different corner and we never would have met”. How empty my life would have been without these wonderful, wonderful people in my life, the experiences, the tears, the laughter, the hurt, the fun and the love – every single thing I would not trade come what may. If I were to life my life all over again – I would not change even a single stranger. They all made me. 

Ending with

“No I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
And I'm so scared of this love

And if all that there is this fear of being used
I should go back to being lonely and confused

If I could, I would, I swear”

From George Michael’s song - "A Different Corner"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPWHkK-_a_A
 Youtube link

Hello ! To Self

A moment to self is so rare in our lives. Yes. I am talking about oneself! Today we have time for chatting and watching TV shows you name it we have time - but to think about one self, we rarely have time. I too was tempted to use time by in-flight entertainments. Then I decided to hold on; of course I was tempted by my two friends that I always carry in my purse wonderful books every time I read, I learn. But, some part of me was not ready and I am thankful now.

As I was saying, time for self, un interrupted and quite a few hours. I let me self listen to voices in the head... At first BLANK! Where should I start? I know myself right? Why this difficulty? Then I started hearing silent voices jumbled, tangled words, phrases, sentences and situations swirled around. Whoa! Take time ... practiced breathing… In and Hold … Out …slow.... a few times… good.... This made me realize that may be I really do not know who I am? What is important to me? My thoughts were rushing to what next steps, you know like: immigrations, who will receive etc… I stopped myself from reaching into my purse for those very details… I mean I know … but still right … very unsure and to reassure oneself… But now I do not want to think that… I want to think of myself!

A few attempts later, I tried to condition my thoughts to my future … What I want it to be. Okay, good place to start. I want to be light hearted, absorb the surroundings and let myself make mistakes! I do not want to be a know all ... I want to be a curious person more like child ... touch, feel and store the experiences. Learn to laugh and have fun. I want to be myself: without prejudices, expectations. Is it a tall order? Those thoughts made me try to understand myself - Oh Boy! Life literally ran past by me and I am a stranger to myself!!! I would or should have said my career, professional approach or whatever, those were very thoughts haunting me day and night. That is why... this moment is so rare ... excitement in my heart, mind and soul ... I am pledging myself to this new tomorrow ... It’s not that I want to be stupid and a dumb ass but I want to be ready to face the un expected, not to panic and especially not be what I do not want to be. It was not like I totally do not like myself ... there are certain aspects which I should and must experience. There is more much more to us than being a mom, wife, daughter-in-law, a daughter or a damn good professional. Beyond this there is something unique in each of us I want to find that in me. I want to see if I can allow myself to be that person and if I like that person. I want to dig for that diamond self in me ....

Who knows what this journey will bring? but one thing for sure by memories being pushed I way am open minded to seek myself out. How well I have insulated and protected myself to push away real me. I guess this is my new beginning. Time has come to meet myself - Hello! To self.

Paradox Continues

As the thoughts ponder I surge ahead a lifetime of memories flash about me. Every second stretches and you have all the time in the world for memories to linger and re visit those moments locked in heart and mind. Kaleidoscope of random memories flash through of holding kids first time in my arms, my childhood dreams and aspirations, loss of a mother, sweetheart's support, the challenge of being a daughter-in-law, daughter, a mother and a wife; Apart from foot holding for career, work-life balance.... the list is on and on... But one thing that stood out in all of that churning is the strength that I have from my family.

For me family is heart and soul. My heart and soul are my kids and husband also the family that I was born into as well as the family that I have stepped into as a bride. The sacrifices and challenges are the same as yours: bitter sweet and tested my very strength and character from time to time. Yes. True. The struggle of a woman has no boundaries. That is why she is strong and beautiful. Many a time our opponent is a woman! Will I be the same? Only time will tell…

The time capsule took me way back to my graduation days, when I was looking to further my education overseas and was selected to various universities ... but times were not right .. my mom being bed ridden I just cold storaged all those admission forms. Now, at this juncture where career is set an opportunity presents to learn, unlearn and relearn on job. I confess I did not grab it. It grabbed me. The desire to succeed in spite of, the willingness to change and evolve may have clinched it. Behind is the corner stone of love and support of the family. It emanated and emanates strength and propels you into a different dimension.

The bright blue space cools my fears and offers me silent support. The times were and are harsh. Its time to bid them goodbye. I feel so unsure and easy to pretend that I am out for a big adventure. I guess I pulled wool over many ... May be because they too want to see that and paint me as adventurous? Yeah for sure. The fact of the matter is the creator above tests you and guides you through ... having accepted this thought I let my fears and future rest in his hands. What else do I need more? when he is the driver of my future. I smile of content for the first time flirts with me ... I try to relax, look around and may be I can request for wine?:)?

Paradox

As wheels pick up speed beneath me and launch me into space; I feel the web of past and future tightening around me. Left behind a husband of two decades, teenage kids daughter and son in that order, who need the presence of a mom! Yet, they are behind me now. This journey is for them without them!

Heart pounding in my throat, I look to the blue space around me... It's so contradictory !!! Calm blue skies and magnificiant cloud formations with late August sun's golden rays, an indicator of the new journey that I have embarked on? I would like to see it that way ... it's so symbolic and motivating from that perspective. At this tender age of Forty Nine leaving behind a successful career and stepping on to an equally challenging carrer overseas is the greatest risk of my life! As the white bird glides into blue skies, taking me closer to my destination I feel very vulnerable of being alone, of being close to Fifty, of being away from loved ones lonly and alone, of being am I doing the right thing? It great to say move out of your comfort zone - but actually do it that to International level? Oh! I am so scared trust me and nervous andwhen an airhostess offers me refreshments I gulp them down in seconds ... and looking for more. My co passengers were amused and helpful in forwarding my requests to airhostess! mind you its not that I am flying first time but I was so enormed by the decesion that I have taken --- It sunk in NOW. What I miss for next 365 days and more? My husband who loves to flirt with me and with whome my journey of Twenty Years  seems like 20 months? My best friends and motivators my 17 Year old daughter and 16 year son. A life. More than looking at peaceful magnificiant cloud formations I see what I left behind --- family who needs me as much as I need them... Is it worth .. this journey I have embarked upon...??? .....